March 11, 2017

Dear Twin Sister,

I have a secret to tell you. I can only tell you cuz I can’t tell anyone else who’s alive because they’ll just say so many repetitive and annoying things, that I just want someone to say nothing except okay. Here it goes.

Sometimes I wish that the cancer cells in my body would go wild and kill me. I have had this plan in my head where I would purposely be really unhealthy — skip my meals, eat a lot of junk food, stay up really late, let depression consume me for a day — and when I actually do get cancer, I would hide it all and just go. But I always feel bad so I won’t do it, just as I won’t do suicide because I know people will feel bad. I already know wha’t it’s like to lose someone and feel useless and sad enough to the point you’ll feel suicidal.

I’m not sick now, but do you know what I’m sick of? Love songs, happy songs, break up songs, break up quotes, corny posts of people who act like they’re really depressed and sad and post about it so they’ll look cool. It’s not cool okay, there are people in this world who are genuinely sad and lonely and depressed. But then I think that they are really lonely and seeking for attention with posting feelings that don’t even exist. Tip number one. Only the happiest people are the saddest. Because they act like everything is fine, when in reality they’re rotting inside. You become depressed when you don’t open up. These people aren’t of expressing how they feel in public, and because of that people give them attention and comfort that they rarely get sad. Unlikely me. I have so many problems and I don’t open up as much. Most of the time, I don’t like gaining friends because I hate having to tell the same story over and over again. That same depressing and unfortunate story of what happened to you. The line of people who have cancer. The line of people who have died. Then they think that because I’m smiling and I say “it’s alright” that I’m actually alright.

I hate hearing your name and I hate saying it. I hate remembering you and I hate hearing stories about you. You know why? Because you’re the one who made the snowball of negatives roll down faster making it extremely big. Thanks to you, I feel more afraid. People say that I shouldn’t be afraid but sometimes I want to. I just want to because I want to. I hate you. I wish you were in hell.

From your Twin Sister
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